Maintain the Sexy

Allz you need is a J.O.B.

2008-03-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

I got laid off at my old job, after a nationwide 5% reduction in staff. $25 million bucks in salary, just like that. Fuckers. Anyway, ONWARD AND UPWARD! Got a better job at a bigger company! I started this week and am still TOTALLY trying to assess the vibe.
I discussed it with my friend tonight through instant messanger:

ME: new job: VERY quiet in the sales pit.

HIM: That's weird shit, right? That's how I felt at AOL

i came from one where in the first 30 min. of the day, there was a LEAST one good "fuck you", awesome bagels, or some sort of theme music day, such as Hip Hop Friday.
sounds lame, WAS AWESOME
it's all.........quiet now.
WEIRD

I totally understand

it's making me want to flip a cubicle and start a drum circle.

Or at least just shout something rude at the top of your lungs

Sometimes, I wish I had Tourette's.

It'd a least be a great ice breaker

Remind me to tell you about my freshman year biology class at Tech. FULL blown Tourette's guy sat right behind me and I could NOT stop laughing all semester. It was a problem.
ok, i'm out. must go learn the code of my new holy savior, ** Radio, and pledge my loyalty to their creed so I can get my goddamn benefits. Later!

God bless

2008-01-23T22:13:00.000-08:00

This morning, I got taken down by the man. I became the "above said driver" that drove the "above said vehicle" ('03 Corolla with the limo tint. Don't hate.) and got cited for "not coming to a full stop before the stop sign and stop line and resting front wheels in stop line."

I got busted for the California Roll.

Gawd-damn.

$280 in fines and 4 points on my license.

Luckily, I know a guy who knows a guy, so it should be good. That's what is so weird to me about this town. Corruption is totally acceptable and de riguer. Las Vegas is NUTSO. It may be the weirdest place on Earth.

Stress Makes People Funny....and Crazy.

2007-11-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

This week has been an exceptionally cesspool-y week at work.

I believe my boss summed it up best today when he said, "This has pretty much been the shittiest week here ever. Yesterday was horrible, today sucked ass, tomorrow will be the absolute worst and Thursday, I just plan on sticking my dick in an electrical outlet."

Best. Ever.

2007-10-31T19:28:00.001-07:00

I just KNEW i was gonna love Kid Nation. And my favorite kid to hate? Taylor. Dat gurl crazy.

The kid I love to love? Jared.

"I hope I don't have to take a poo."

This seriously might be turning into a problem.

2007-07-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I would come into work and be able to have a discussion about world events, presidential canidates, new restaurants, books, films and other cultural workings. But today, I sunk to a new low when I came in and screamed, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE IN HERE WATCHED 'THE TWO COREYS on A&E last night!". [The fact that it's on A&E does not even count as cultural, so I'm doubly fucked].

This might be the best/worst yet. Corey Feldman, at one point, looked like a male ballet dancer in tight-white sweatpants and a Flashdance-cut boatneck, discussing with his wife (who looks like the chick from your high school that wasn't reeeeally pretty, but tagged along with the cute sluts and screwed wrestlers) how he hopes Corey Haim hasn't done anything drastic. Ya see, after finding out that the Lost Boys sequel was already in straight-to-video production, the Haimster lost it and all he was really doing was cruising around and buying them a four-year overdue wedding present from Tiffanys [Read: Went out and did 20 enormous rails of cocaine off the top of the toilet tank in a seedy Hollywood bar, got all fucked up, stumbled to the Century City Tiffanys and paid for a crystal vase with crumpled up 20's]. This might be my new favorite.

Extreme Bullshit

2007-07-17T20:08:00.001-07:00

So, I just watched my Tivo'ed episode of Extreme Makeover and I'm pissed. These peeps got extreme makeovers because they "just didn't like how they looked". WELL, WHO THE FUCK DOES? I think the angle was that we were supposed to feel happy that they got one because they were a couple consisting of a paramedic and a firefighter. Gotcha. Tough jobs. Yup. Sure are. But does that qualify you for free veneers and lipo? Because if so, I really should have called this show when my ass was getting kicked by full-grown autistic kids. I'm just sayin'.

I think Extreme Makeover just jumped my shark.

Forcast for Thursday? 118!

2007-07-03T00:46:00.001-07:00

I would like to share this picture of a local fireman extinguishing my skin after I got into my car today.

I'll be the best Tall Helper ever. I swear.

2007-06-27T23:31:00.001-07:00

I want to live on the Roloff Farm. I want to go there in the fall and I want to sell pumpkins and drink cider. Most likely, there will be some sort of hay labyrinth that would be constructed. I would go in it, despite the fact that one of those things gave me my first, real sprained ankle at age 8. I wouldn't be scared of the pumpkin launcher, either. Fuck that shit! Launch away, party people!! We'll all watch football on Sunday and rake leaves. It'll be the awesomest fall of all time. Why? Because it's at the Roloff's house.

I love this show. I totally want to hang out with them.

p.s. You can just tell how much they hate this lame-o surfboard picture. The Roloffs are way cooler than that. Duh.

Dry heat, my ass.

2007-05-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

Nevada is hot. It is fuck-ing hot. It is a dry heat, yes, but that dry heat can make you actually feel like your skin is pricking off of your body when you get into your car. I'm used to east coast humid hots, but this. shit. is. HOT.

Now, it's what is considered "warm". It's 98 degrees. And guess what? My air conditioning is broken! Woo Hoo! YEAH!!! (insert sound of crickets)

I tried to stick it out as long as I could before I finally had to break down and call someone. First estimate? $2,300. Shit.

Second estimate? $480. Better. But still. Shit.

After 5 visits to the house, 2 days vacation time taken to meet the repair people, I wanted to kick someone's ass. But the day Mike from Kool Again flipped that switch and brought me back to my frosty palace, I wanted to marry him.

So, long story short, I'm broke, but I'm Kool.

Sometimes bad shoes are worth it.

2007-03-10T21:22:00.000-08:00

What a great day.

Today was my best friend's baby shower. I looked at her belly today and was totally overwhelmed with happiness because she will be the best mom of all time and excuse me as I brush my shoulders off, but AUNT PAM IS IN THE HOUSE! I cannot wait to meet this little girl. There's something about baby showers (when it's for someone you actually love, and not just some office 'ho) that just makes you want to procreate. Little white dresses and kick ass baby rocker stuff dominated the party, with a formidable sprinkling of champagne (thanks amy!) Nacho left me a message that said (in not so many words) "We seriously need to hang tomorrow before you bounce." Um, duh. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!

baby showers are bittersweet, though, because we all live so far apart now, any time is a good time to get together. My new platform is co-ed baby showers. On a BAD platform note, my cute as shit platform espadrille shoes hurt like a bitch today/tonight but you know what?

WHO CARES?

p.s. Jess and Mike's nephew, Jack, is the funniest two-year-old of all time. Ever.
I also love the Commenwealth of Virginia.

I'm so ashamed.

2007-02-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

I'm flailing into a downward spiral.

Currently, I cannot drag myself away from the following:
1) Anna Nicole Smith (more specifically the troll-esque HKS)
2) Britney showing up at K-Fed's house and going ape-shit with the umbrella.
3) The Bad Girls Club
4) Real Housewives of Orange County
5) Engaged and Underage

help.

The Quickest Way to Die in Las Vegas

2006-12-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

Happy Motoring!

God is laughing. Hysterically.

2006-11-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Office Secret Santa. I pick old lady with no computer skills who slays me daily with her nonsense. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The psychic I visited last week in Sedona, AZ told me I need to get rid of my anger, but C'MON!!

Only thing keeping me sane is the fact that there is a milli-chance that I may meet Dog the Bounty Hunter tomorrow at work. Do I smell a Christmas card photo op?

Award Shows

2006-11-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

God bless 'em. I just watched Rascal Flatts on the American Music Awards and the dude sounds like someone got him wasted at a frat party in Alabama, taped his nuts to his ass with duct tape and threw firecrackers at his feet, screaming "Sing, bitch, Sing!"

The end.

Cede'in is a bitch.

2006-11-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

Imagine the therapy this kid will have in 10 years. In fact, look at all of them. A great friend of mine, Tamron, remarked to me how much the son looks like Augustus Goop. I must agree.

Voting kicks fucking ass!

2006-11-07T22:44:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm the Wikipedia example of a Pisces, or maybe it's the remnants of Army bratdom, but dammit if voting doesn't rip my shit up. I love to vote. It's such a power packed emotion; Proud, appreciative, scared, free, introspective and global, hopeful. I still feel new in Nevada, this crazy ass Western state. I still feel a bit fresh on the range. I grew up in Northern Virginia, where you're pretty much given a dose of politics with your Flinstone vitamin. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go a) see who's controlling the Senate and b) See if Number 7 passed, and if so, I'll be smoking weed legally by the weekend. P.S. Inexplainable Tim Russert crush still in effect.

I am so embarrased...

2006-09-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

...but the new season of Laguna Beach is scandalriffic.

Open Letter to the kids who live in the neighborhood next to me,

2006-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Kids (and especially the big one with the red hair, we'll call him "The Instigator"),

Being a kid is FUN. I know. You can do all sorts of fun stuff and laugh and play street hockey and be bad and smoke cigarettes and ride bikes and play basketball. Whatever. And you know what? Blowing off fireworks in the middle of your street in September, in a drought, well, that's fun, too. I know! I LOVE fireworks!

But you know what's NOT fun? When you do it 11:30 at night and all the dogs in not only YOUR neighborhood, but also mine, go fucking nuts and bark for the next hour and I worry if my house is going to burn down. Ya hear me, Instigator? If you could please forward this on to your father when he gets home from dealing blackjack and your mother when she gets back from Shuck's Oyster Bar? Thanks, dudes.

-Me

Football Gladiators

2006-09-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

You know what could be the best thing aired annually on TV if they just marketed it right? The Pro Bowl.

I mean, yeah, the Superbowl rules and it's awesome and it's become this unofficial holiday and shit. The two best teams have finally come together for this battle royale.

But check it. The PRO Bowl is like, the best players ever. Like, every NFL badass is there, and it turns into like, teams made up of football gladiators. It could be huge, but I wonder why it's not? Plus, it's in HAWAII? I mean, c'mon.

And on the start of football season, I have but this to say:

Why-Yo-Yo-Yo

2006-08-16T01:49:00.000-07:00

Listen, I don't even know how to write this, it's so awesome. It is now warranting an almost 2am post. I as in Me as in Holy Shit did this just happen..I just spent...the last two hours....playing blackjack.... with Bunny Wailer. Like, at the table. Next door stool neighbors. He called me "Yellow Girl" and "dangerous". We bet three bets together and we won two.

I was up $300, lost $180. Worth every penny.

The Roots Rock Reggae festival was in town tonight. What a great vibe and a refreshing one. Now, I must sleep, since I have to be at work in 6 hours.

Bunny Wailer.

Wow. What a night.

DVR has saved/ruined my life.

2006-08-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's my digital meth.

'Scuse me while I update my blog, while Rock Star Supernova is on PAUSE.
And why? Because I freakin' CAN. The shit is on PIZZAUSE! Sigh.

Gone are the days of, "Well, shit, nothing's on. Guess I'll...I dunno...read, excersise, sleep?"

Buh-bye.

No, no. Proactive life has been replaced with, "Shit! Run's House? Hell's Kitchen? Project Runway? House Hunters? I don't KNOOOOOOWWWW!" [proceed to watch all four.]

So, DVR Tivo, whatever the fuck you are, we are in a dysfunctional relationship, but baby, I love ya.

You know, the thing with the stuff.

2006-07-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever worked with an old person? Now, don't get me wrong. Old people are nice. I love my Nana; she rules supreme. I love old people when they're telling me stories about the Depression, or the Jitterbug or making biscuits and stew and shit. But I can't stand working with them.

Case in point. I work with this one woman who refuses to learn the computer. Keep in mind, her job performance relies heavily on computer usage, but no. Someone else will do it. (by they way, she always reminds me she doesn't "need"her job, she just likes to keep busy. So take a fucking ceramics class already, or paint some birds!) But, no. She just "doesn't get it" so she just "doesn't do it". Yeah, no shit.

Also, she will randomly pop her head in and say things like:
Did you find the sheets?
(pause)
What sheets?
(stares at me blankly)
You know the thing with the stuff that what's his name brought down.
(I now stare blankly)
Um, I'm not sure which ones you're talking about.
(gives me evil glare)
The sheets with the things that are supposed to be for tomorrow's thingee from the other stuff.
(WTF LADY???)
No, haven't seen them."
(stomps away to make coffee, her one redeeming factor).

Also, she has no concept of what is current in music, and we work in radio. She listens to the jazz station (not one of ours) all day and has fallen in love with a new Michael McDonald song. Because she is delusional and thinks that she is like, totally "down" with not only music, but everyone in Vegas, she calls the Program Director for our hard rock station and says things like, "Oooooh, child. I luvvvv this new Michael McDonald song. Can I run up there and get the CD?....Oh, we don't have it?....that's strange., He's such a huge star, we really should."

Then she hangs up and calls him useless.

Perhaps my recent tirades have stemmed from the fact that my extended family has been staying with me for THREE WEEKS while they settle on their house, but who knows. I will search for the happy me soon, but for now, I complain. Sorry.

An Open Letter....

2006-07-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've been finding myself composing open letters in my brain to people and/or situations I come across on a daily basis ever since I found this website that actually publishes them. I think I may need to start my own personal open letter archive because being civil with my outbursts is probably safer here in Las Vegas than my current tactic of flipping the bird. So, on that note...
An Open Letter to People in Las Vegas Grocery Store Parking Lots

Dear Shoppers,

I know it's hot. It is. It's fucking boiling hot. But please, when you get into your car, proceed straight to "R". Do not wait for your car to cool down before you back up. It's not going to happen in the next 20 minutes.

Choose one side of the parking aisle to walk on. If there are four of you going into the store, you don't have to walk side by side. You can actually pair up, and walk behind the cars that are already parked.

Take five fucking seconds to put your cart in the cart corral. It's RIGHT THERE. That way, the poor cart wrangler can be in and out in a second without dying of heat stroke and also, others can park their cars in the spaces currently OCCUPIED BY YOUR CART without having to park, get out, move your cart for you, get back in car, and drive into the space.

Lastly, please don't spit so much. I have walked behind at least 60% of you who feel it necessary to hawk enormous wads onto the street every time you leave a store. It's nasty, and this is flip-flop country. Ick.

For the rest of you who observe parking lot etiquette, I love you. I want to hug you in the freezer aisle, for you are clearly not from here.

Love,
Me

Drought, Drought, Let it all out!

2006-07-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

If any town's gonna blow shit up, it's Las Vegas, dry as hell, or not. Being from D.C., I'm jaded by 4th of July. I'm used to the Dynomite Mothership of fireworks on the Mall with the Washington Monument as a backdrop. I look back fondly on the time I was asked by park police to remove myself from the reflecting pool after a 4th of block partying.

But I will say this. No one puts on the best at-home"I-bought-this-shit-at -the-INDIAN-RESERVATION, it's so crazy-" fireworks display than the people of Las Vegas. They totally kicked ass.

What happens here, totally happens and sometimes, it sucks.

2006-06-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if it's the heat that has arrived (pre-maturely) or not, but lately, I've been trying to wrap my brain around this town called Las Vegas. More specifically, what it's like to actually live here. As a tourist, you see about 4 miles. Not square miles, mind you; a four mile long road full of shit to do. Oh, and there are some mountains. That you can see from your hotel. You laugh, party, go out to dinner, enjoy your disposable income. That's where Vegas can be great.

When you live here, though, it really makes you think about the effects that can have on a "community". Sometimes, I wonder if the "community" in Las Vegas isn't just an extension of the casino workers union. It's almost too transient of a vibe here to think about planting roots. I guess it's like that in most tourist towns. Maybe not. Who knows?

The natural beauty is astounding here.

The magnitude of it all is positively humbling. Just like anyone living anywhere different from where they grew up, I find myself missing things. Like rain. And grass. And leaf change. Little hills, curvy roads, dewy lawns, lush woods. But at the same time, I've learned to embrace purple sunsets and fire red mountains, desert breezes, lakes with rock spires, and growing tomatoes almost all year long.

I think people who live here are a bit afraid of the fact that crime may overtake this city, despite its efforts to be "family friendly". I am. Random shit happens here. I laugh when I contrast the news I used to hear in my rural college town ("The missin' horse was found. Took so long, 'cus someone put hair dye on him, and made him a different color." [True, by the way] ) to "Although both halves of the body were recovered from two different dumpsters, only one was charred." [also true. ew.] There's an urban tension for sure, due to the latest immigration debates. It's weird. I don't know. By they way, our newscaster's name is Rikki Cheese.

So, what does it mean to live in Vegas? It's keeping your fingers crossed that the city will find a balance between hedonism and common ground. That they don't decide to dump nuclear waste in the desert. That buffetts will cost less than $25 after 5pm. That's my rant for now.

Please levitate in my lobby.

2006-06-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

OK, first I must admit, that I'm totally writing this super-fast because I missed The Hills last night and am catching up at the 11 o'clock Thursday hour. Yeah, I know. Whateves.

SOOOO. Chris Angel (David Blain's ASS-KICKER, for those who don't know) came into the office yesterday. He and his posse walk in and couldn't have been cooler. Totes got the autograph, yet did not get the picture, because my camera phone is so anti-climatic in it's three year old age.

Anyway, I commented on how much more I liked this season, and he gave me the two-handed "cupp" of a handshake, and then I got all freaked out, like he was reading my mind. Or he was going to open his mouth and my name would be in ash on his tounge or something. So, I stuck with an autograph.

P.S. Could Chris Angel be the lead singer of Ratt, or what??

No She Did-int.

2006-05-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

Right now in some underground bunker, Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood are planning some Tonya-Harding-Shit on Katherine McPhee. I'm just sayin'.

Also, I have officially NOT grown out of The Real World nor it's Challenge-Gauntlet cousins.

I'm sorry...

2006-05-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

..but was someone reading my mind?

Oh, Homey.

2006-05-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Simpsons episodes was on tonight. I was so happy. It's the one where Homer eats the crazy pepper of wherever and Johnny Cash plays the Space Coyote. So great.

I touched Jordan Catalano.

2006-04-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

So, Jared Leto comes in today to promote his band's show tonight. I catch wind that he's in the hizzy, so I immediately check hair, cover zit, and speed to meet the man who set the standard for every crush I ever had in my so-called life. He was very nice and met all hotness expectations. All I could think of when he shook my hand was "holy shit this is jordan motherfuckin' catalano" and then I thought about the recent paparazzi photo of him text-messaging while Scarlett HOhaansen is giving him the tounge and I laughed all the way to the Diet Pepsi machine.

p.s. he has lost all of his mark chapman fat and perfectly rocked his skinny jeans.

Happy Hour Levee Break

2006-04-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

So I officially got invited to the company's "cool kid" Wednesday Happy Hour. I always thought there HAD to be some of underground good shit- and so there was. Everyone loosened up, I totally got a glimpse into the WHOLE shit and I love it.

SuperNanny for President.

2006-04-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

Enough said.

Musical Hell.

2006-03-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

I share my the area I work in with two other people. Both of them like to play their music throughout the day. Now, seeing as I work in radio, you would think that maybe, just maybe, the music choices would be good ones. But sadly, no.

One woman likes to listen to a station that isn't even one of ours. Their jingle is "Smooooooooooo-ooo-oooooooth Jaaaaaazz. One OHHHHH FIIIIVE point Sehhhhvennn", and is chock full of clarinet-y versions of Michael Jackson, Santana and Commodores songs.

The other woman likes to listen to gospel, and I don't mean the choir filled, emotion- packing, U2-backing kind. I'm talking the "HOOOOOOOOOOOOLY JEEEEEZUS . I say JEEEE-UUUUU-UUUHHHH-ZZZUUUS", etc. And this shit goes on...all...day.

I would wear my iPod to save myself, but sadly, I have to deal with people all day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stick my head under my pillow and turn on my white noise machine.

Um, ew?

2006-03-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Mucinex-D,

Please don't animate snot.

Your commercials make me throw up in my mouth.

Love,

Me

No Deal, Howie.

2006-03-29T21:05:00.000-08:00

The best part about Deal or No Deal is the total exposure of human greed. And stupidity. Why do the contestants always ask their 7 year old kids whether or not they should take $146K?

HOWIE: Deal or no deal?

MOM: Kevin, honey, what do you think?

[Pan to kid in glasses and a mal-fitting dress clothes.]

KEVIN (seven): No deal!

HOWIE: Kevin, how much does a house cost?

KEVIN: twenty seven dollars.

HOWIE: And Sour Patch Kids?

KEVIN: One kazillion dollars and pennies.

Dear God, It's me, Sexy...

2006-03-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say thanks for making what was really shitty post-birthday-I-can't-believe-I'm -thirty-one week into what may go down in history as one of the best.

Today, Josh Homme (love ya, man) got TOTALLY passed in the left lane by none other than the painfully talented and adorable Taylor Hawkins, drummer for the Foo Fighters. He was so cute and nice in his wee tee-shirt and jeans. He commented on how un-glamourous our lobby is, whereupon I agreed and likened it to a gynecolgist's waiting room. He laughed, because he was lovestruck, I'm sure. I told him he was my favorite drummer to air-drum to in the car, which he appreciated, and asked me my fave song to do said air-drumming to (Everlong. DUH.) I heart him so much.

omg omg omg!

2006-03-22T19:28:00.000-08:00

I met one of my full-on rockstar dreamdudes today, Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age. I had to act all mellow and professional, when really I wanted to flying-squirrel leap out of my chair and attach myself to him. I fucking love this dude, his talent, his charismatic rocker way and the fact that he dates a bad-ass chick . I just want to party with this dude until we pass out, sweating. Is that so wrong?

Hear ye, Hear ye...

2006-03-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

Any episode of Wife Swap that includes a family who does the whole medevil, renaissance thing, is destined for greatness, as was tonight's episode. Quote of the night? "Does belly dancing sound like something you might like to do with your mom?" Settle.

I Heart New York

2006-03-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

I just thought of something. One of my ultimate guilty pleasures/necessities is singing at the top of my lungs in the car. I was thinking about my awesome friend in NYC who has no need for, therefore does not have, a car and I thought...when does she belt? Are city dwellers deprived of car sing-a-longs or is it a small price to pay for the coolios that come with living in a great town?

Project Blonde

2006-03-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

I think I have found the best hairstylist in the world. Naturally, I'm blonde, but wanted to be blonder. How do I relay this info to a stylist I had never met?

Me: I want to go blonder.
Her: How blonde?
Me: Slut blonde, without the slut and have it look like I paid a lot of money for it.
Her: California beach slut or Hefner girlfriend slut?
Me: California
Her: No problem.

The result? Blonde done right. I love her.

2006-03-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

Nacho and I were just discussing baby teeth and how weird it is that we grow teeth, they fall out and grow back bigger and uglier. Why is that? And more importantly, why do our parents keep the teeth? Was that just my own weird mother that kept my baby teeth in a velvet jewelry earring-box thingee? The teeth are in her top dresser drawer, along with various scarves from the 80s and knee-highs. Why? When my dog lost his baby teeth, he just ate them and shit them out, I think. Hmm.

You complete me.

2006-03-09T18:34:00.000-08:00

...and I don't care what the people say. You were funny, and I totally want to go to El Pollo Loco with you.

2006-02-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

I totally want this judge from "Dancing with the Stars" to be my best friend. He could hang out at my house when I got ready in the morning and say things like, "YES!! YES!!! 'Zees outfit is fanTAStico! You are an American peen-up girl!" Is that so wrong?

The Yard 'Tard.

2006-02-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

Remember how I said I've been hitting the gym, kickin' ass and generally bettering myself? Scratch that.

I spent today with an old friend in the dumpiest part of Vegas (think Atlantic City, sans ocean),playing $3 blackjack tables, drinking yards of margaritas (literally), and rounding the entire day out with a fried, yes FRIED, Twinkie.

Karaoke almost happened, but alas, the wait list was too long. This is probably a good thing. I also saw a woman in her 60s drinking beer through a straw out of a 48 oz. plastic football as her boob got signed in Sharpie by a man wearing a full CSI Las Vegas sweatsuit. Mmmmmmm. Hot.

Why do I love award shows so much?

2006-02-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

God bless the Grammys. If I am ever unconcious and wake up to the sight of Sly Stone hovering over me, I will know that I have been kidnapped, probed by a Korg keyboard, and sent to Planet Freak-a-Funk.

Random thoughts on the Grammys:

Kelly Clarkson. Shhh, baby. It's gonna be OK. Just thank the nice people at Fox and GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE. There, better now?

I love the fact that hip-hop has it's own Beck and his name is Will.i.am.

Teri Hatcher's wanna be scandalous see-through dress was funny. Funny because she was wearing bloomers that resembled a P.E. teacher's Bike shorts.

DJ AM emcees the Green Carpet:
AM: "So, is this your first Grammys?"
CELEB: "No, um, actally, I've had 8 monimations and won 5 Grammys in the last 3 years."
AM: "Oh."
CELEB: "Yep."
AM: "So, what do you like better, house or jungle?"
CELEB: "Huh?"
AM: "Seacrest, back to you."

I totally want to hang out with Mary J. Blige.

I still love U2. And Coldplay. So, there. But not so much into Mattel's newest doll, Leotard Madonna.

How awesome would it have been if Herbie Hancock busted into "Rockit" and XTina did the Robot thing where her arm "falls asleep" ?

God, I don't even know if I can handle the Oscars. But I totally can't wait.

2006-02-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

Ok. Here's the deal. I've set this goal for myself to run a 5K in April. So, I'm at the gym yesterday (because a 5K might as well be a marathon at this point), and I go nuts. I run 4 miles. OK, not a constant run, but a confident ass-kicking walk with run spurts. Still.

Today, my calves appear to be on some sort of invisible fire and my ass muscles are randomly cramping up, making for a most comfortable day at work. Note to self: settle the fuck down. Love, Me.

I did make it back to the gym today, however, and was most proud of myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must tend to my hyper-extended everythings.

Jammin'

2006-02-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to Bob!

2006-02-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

[Cue National Anthem] On this glorious day of competitive sports and ruthless snacking, I have but one thing to say... GOOOOOOOOOOOO STEEEEEEEELERS!!!!

NOOOOOO. YESSSSSSS!!

2006-02-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

Payless, my at-work nemesis, was fired today. I don't know whether to be thrilled that I don't have to hear her phone-sexing her male roommate anymore, or to be sad that I no longer have the world's best blog fodder. Payless, I salute you. Never call me.

On a lighter note...

2006-02-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

I am a lovedy-love-luv-lover of Project Runway and Wife Swap. I just can't help it.

America! Fuck Yeah!

2006-02-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

First of all, I don't even consider myself a Democrat. Not really. My father was big-time military and my mother was a member of the Young Republicans in college. I, however, choose the path of least resistance. The elusive and mysterious Independent. That being said, I begin my microscopic dissection of Dubya's book report, I mean, State of the Union address.

I really do find the political ritual in our county to be fascinating. I picture our forefathers walking in with similar fanfare, with our elected representatives respecting the institution of the presidency, regardless of party. But last night, it just felt...different.

Maybe it's just that. The "state of the union". It's, um, not so good. Relatively, I understand that we, as Americans, really don't have TOO much to bitch about. We have potable water. We can flush the dook. We have medication. But as the cabinet walked in, I thought, what the hell is REALLY going on?

Lots of pans to Laura, sitting next to Middle Eastern powers and in front of a grief-stricken war family. Noticably, the Bush girls were absent. "State of the whatevers are like, sooo boring." (Shotguns beer.)

It is now that I decide I have an inappropriate, non-sensical politcal correspondent crush on Tim Russert.

Gee-Dubs is announced. He walks down the aisle as the year's largest sometimes- semi-annual display of politically public ass-kissing begins.

Pan to a star-struck Judge Forrest Gump Alito, staring in to the air thinking, "Mama said they was magic shoes. They could take me anywhere."

Cut back to suck-fest, where we are fed the tiny little tidbit that Cindy Sheehan, the mother who protested at the gate of Southfork, has been...what?....ARRESTED?
Holy crap, this could get good.

At this point, the President begins to speak. Coretta Scott King died today; unfortuante for the world, great for Dubya. His perfect opener. He is compassionate and aware. Sigh.

We then are treated with a veritable list of countries that will be conquered next. Zimbabwe, Burma, and oh yes, Iran.

"Dear Iran, You are soooo 'next'. Love, G.W."

At this point, I'm waiting for Rumsfeld to stand up and chant, "W.M.D.! W.M.D.!"

The Prez then proceeds to lighten the mood by dissing former Presidents (pan to Hillary for the "No he di-int" look) and casually asking for the line-item veto to pass. The Republicans stand up. The Democrats do not. I'm at a football game watching The Wave. This is awesome. It is at this time that George Bush announces his plan for alternate energy. Look for the Prius '07, rollin' on G-Dubs.

Now, onto education. First, elimate all art programs, bump up math and science funding and prepare the robots. While you are at it, make sure to drown the girl babies.

With this intro, we are introduced to the American Competitive Initiative. Love your fellow American, but goddammit, beat his ass on your standardized tests or you are FUCKED. :) Also, terminally ill citizens? I know we COULD save you, but, um, Jesus says no. Sorry.

All in all, though, I think his speech writers did a good job. The lack of facts was expected, but the conviction was surprising. The bi-partisan support of the military, or should I say the soldiers, was important and the entire experience got me thinking in so many ways, that I am grateful for that. So, Georgie, have a great time on your next vacation (it's been about 2 weeks...you must be exhausted).

Payless III: The Revenge of the Slick.

2006-01-26T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the creme de la creme...the pinnacle...the BEST PAYLESS SHIT EVER. I prefer to recount this in screenplay format:

[FADE IN: Payless sits at her desk, surfing the web, and entering what appears to be some sort of financial information on a website. Her co-workers are in the midst of what they call "work", an enigma to Payless.]

PAYLESS
Omigod, those motherfuckers!

CO-WORKER ME
What happened?

PAYLESS
The stupid fucking Equifax fuckers still have me listed
at my old job, which was in California, in like, uh, '97.

CO-WORKER NOT ME
Call them and give them your current info and you should be fine.

PAYLESS
Yeah, besides, I don't want this on my report anymore, anyway.
I don't want people to know I worked there.

[SUDDENLY, THE ROOM BECOMES QUIET; THE ONLY AUDIBLE SOUND IS THE PERKING OF EARS.]

CO-WORKER ME
So, um, where did you use to work?

[THE UNDERCURRENT OF POSSIBILITY IS ENDLESS IN THE ROOM...]

PAYLESS
California Hardbodies.

CO-WORKER NOT ME
What is that, some health food place?

PAYLESS
No.

[SHE PAUSES, AS IF TO CONTEMPLATE FOR A MOMENT WHETHER OR NOT TO LAY IT ALL OUT. SHE ROLLS BACK HER SHOULDERS, LIFTS HER HEAD UP HIGH AND SAYS...]

PAYLESS
No, it's a female oil wrestling company. I was a wrestler.

[BEAT]

CO-WORKER ME
No fucking way.

PAYLESS
Oh yeah, I only did it for three years {asdlfkja;sdklfj????]

[CO-WORKER ME STANDS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY BECAUSE SHE CAN NO LONGER BE IN THE ROOM WITHOUT TOTALLY LOSING HER SHIT.]

CO-WORKER ME
That's... crazy.

PAYLESS
I know!!! Isn't it!???!!!

SCENE

"My tits hurt."

2006-01-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

This is the first thing that Payless said today at work. She ceases to amaze me, she's so awful. For the rest of the day, I got to hear her leave her "roommate" [read: dude who moved into her house because his girlfriend kicked him out and now she says they are "roommates" but she is so clearly obsessed with the dude] messages on his cell phone, "every 30 minutes for the rest of the day! Heeeeeheeeehaaa ahaahahahahdsfja;sdlfk;alsdkfj;asdlkfj' ( Direct Quote).

File under "slightly annoying":

2006-01-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

When people say "pome" instead of "poem".

Social Life takes a dramatic dip.

2006-01-17T17:01:00.000-08:00

Mmmmmmm, American Idol.

Recent songs that I am embarrased to say...I like.

2006-01-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

"Stickwitchu" (um, yes. I think that's how they spell it.) - Pussycat Dolls

"Because of You" - K. Clarkson (In a related, pathetic story, I have actually planned my week around the fact that American Idol starts on Tuesday. I seriously, SERIOUSLY, need a life.)

Any song on the OC soundtrack. (Nacho- another library score!)

"So Sick" - Ne-Yo (are you seeing the Contemporary R&B theme? It's piped into the office all day at "Las Vegas' number one HIT music station" (said in total DJ voice). Sigh.)

More to add later.

I feel sorry for Europeans for this reason...

2006-01-15T13:26:00.000-08:00

Sure, they have magnificant castles, wonderful food, great wine, stylish clothes and soccer. But where else can you watch the most intense game of football led by this man, the greatest coach to watch on any given Sunday? I mean, really. I'm surprised my downstairs neighbors didn't call the domestic violence cops today, the way I was screaming during the Steelers/Colts game. Thanks to my best friend, I have come to love the Steelers as if I were straight outta Steel City. What a game....I'm emotionally spent. Must go dumb down and watch Flavor Flav on VH1.

Eeeet was soooopersonic....

2006-01-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

That's the Euro reaction to Drew Lachey's freakin' dance off tonight on "Dancing with the Stars". The dude.....is.......... good. I want to call his wife, though, and let her know that clearly, there is some shock-absorbent-dance-floor-practice-room-LUVVVV goin' down between him and his dance bitch. Watch his ass, girl.

Bittersweet Football.

2006-01-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Football is nearing the end. The college bowl games were about the most exciting I've seen, although my team is now reeling in the spin-doctordom that will be necessary after Marcus Vick's dismissal from the team. See ya, Marcus. You really fucking blew it. Have fun at the next family reunion (tee hee). Anyway, playoffs underway, which means two things: Pizza and Miller Lite in a can. Mmmm. Can.

Payless strikes again.

2006-01-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently, there's some tension between Payless and the DHL guy. She may have blown him. She is the WORST EVER ( a bold statement). Today, she told me she didn't "have to " but "wanted to" .....FART. Um, uh? Ew? Yes....ew. Ew-wy, ew-wy, ew.

Roller-Booooo

2006-01-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

"From the producers of Laguna Beach...."...comes the worst shit on TV. Rollergirls is horrible, and by horrible, I say it in my Mom's NJ accent (Haaaahribbble). The worst. I wanted to care, too, but I just...don't. Boooooooo.

Spherical Obsession.

2005-12-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have learned this about myself. I love rocks. I'm not sure if it's rocks in particular, but I'm finding myself obsessed with spherical, smoothy things lately.
Go figs.

PMS. You slay me.

2005-12-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

Signs that I am completely PMS'd out of my face:
1. Celine Dion (whom I like to refer to as "The Devil"), made me cry on Oprah.
2. I consumed half a loaf of banana nut bread at work.
3. Shot the bird to two people driving.
4. Got home, realized that I had left all my lights on, and seriously almost teared up.
5. Listened to John Denver.

Torture.

2005-12-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

I just realized that the worst possible thing might be to have to sit through a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. Thankfully, I was only subjected to minor torture in seeing them on Good Morning America.

I'm losing it today.

2005-12-13T20:06:00.000-08:00

Today has been the weirdest day. Around 11am, I meet Gilbert Gottfried, who was very small, almost kid sized, and very pleasant. This is him after seeing what my co-worker was wearing today.

Then, the two richest, Paris Hilton hangin' mother-effers in Las Vegas roll in with some huge NBA player, a funny contrast to Gilbertito. All go off to their respective places in the building and I am gifted with the clever ruminations of my co-worker (whom we'll call....Payless.) such as, "Those guys were dicks," and "I wouldn't fuck him just because he's rich. Well, he IS pretty rich. Heeeeee heeeee heeeee haaa haaa eeeiiie!", and "I don't have many girls who are friends, because most of their boyfriends want to fuck me." Trust me, sweet tits. No, they don't. Sometimes, it takes all I have not to jump over my desk and clear mail-tape her face shut. I think I will have to start a daily Payless report. I digress.

Then, I stop by the grocery on the way home, where I pull into the parking spot and crash into a cart that some Nevada brainiac was just tooooo tired to put in the CART RECEPTACLE/ CART WRANGLER THINGEE RIGHT NEXT TO THE SPACE. I go into the store, realize I only have a $20, and have to decide what was going to make the cart cut. The winners? Wine, tampons, US Weekly and Balsamic Vinagrette. I randomly envision myself freaking out in the store and ripping down all the Christmas shit. I wonder if I'm losing it. I head to the check out line, where the woman in front of me is crying (profusely) on her cell phone, and neither I, nor the check-out chick, nor the 15 -year -old bagger dude know where to look, so I pretend to look for my Value Savings card, even though it's on my keychain.

I then get home and my neighbor is walking his cat on a leash.

Dear God, Where do I live? Love, Me.

My thoughts after Xmas cookie making.

2005-12-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

Wallet Inventory.

2005-12-10T15:21:00.000-08:00

Here's what is in my wallet as of today:
Bank of America debit card
Costco card
Sam's Club card
Gym ID
Grocery cards- Smith's, Albertson's, Vons
Library card
$62.37
AAA card
Nevada drivers license
$25 DSW credit
business cards from: club guru, architect, loan officer, printer, CFO of major restaurant group, general contractor, wine seller
Insurance cards- health and auto
Gift cards- Trader Joe's, Bath and Bodyworks, Barnes and Noble
Frequent flyer cards- Southwest, Amercia West, Jetblue, Airtran
DSW Rewards card
Office Depot Advantage card (never used)
Calvin Klein preferrred customer card

Need to downsize.

Stayin' on the sidewalk.

2005-12-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

Oh, Kelly Clarkson. I want to hate you so bad. But that fucking song sticks with me. Because of you. I also love how you have no boobs whatsoever and you're totally fine with that.

Diddy Homage

2005-12-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

There's a reason this blog is called "Maintain the Sexy". I'm watching the finale of "Making the Band 3". I'm totally addicted. Diddy done right..... Anyway,I'm watching the finale and this dude has all of his bases covered. The Diddy, the man WHO SAID "CALL ME DIDDY", has such a monsterous grab on the nuts of the media, that it's totally fascinating. Not only do I think this show is produced so well, it makes me want to hang out with tha' Dids (Diddy, if you're reading this...call me. You rule supreme.), but it's just...good. Lates.

I got the Rolly on the arm...

2005-12-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

...and I'm pourin' Chandon because I met Pharrell yesterday. It took everything I had not to make the "clicking" tongue sound. By the way, Pharrell = HOT. And pleasant. And refreshingly non-short.

Blood at the Outlet Mall

2005-12-05T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, I was Christmas shopping at the outlet mall because I love my friends and family, but only at a discount, when Bloodfest '05 occured. I was approaching the Calvin Klein outlet with visions of discounted pants dancing in my head, when I saw a well-dressed woman opening the door ahead of me. Keep in mind, there was a fierce, cold desert wind kickin'. It went down like this. She's holding mad bags, on cell phone, holds door open with ass, drops cell phone, picks up cell phone, releases ass, looks behind her and WHAM-O! Door hits face, woman hits ground, broken-nose blood splatters everywhere. I ran over to make sure she was alright (I almost felt bad for her, until I saw the great deals she got at Theory), CK employees go into emergency holy-shit mode, call EMTs and all was well. I then bought some pants at a 60% discount, in addition to sunglasses I didn't need, yet did need. Make sense? Merry Christmas.

Holy shit, I'm in my thirties.

2005-11-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

I think I first knew that I was getting older when I started hating teenagers at the movies. Recently, I've noticed other things that are aging me. I'm seriously considering a TempurPedic mattress. At Brookstone, I choose to sit in the massage chairs for an inappropriate length of time with no intention of purchasing anything. I'm totally disgusted that the US Army is sanctioning a war-based video game. I take a daily vitamin. Jane magazine has become "eh". I'm returning to folk music roots. I wear socks to bed. Tea has become a viable option to wine, and I don't mean the shroom-y kind. I asked for 3 paid months of Homeowner's Association fees for Christmas. I think I need to contact Oprah and schedule a makeover, so I can become the hotness that is under the surface, and stop being so fucking....old.

A Fireproof Feast

2005-11-25T21:21:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, I was in charge of setting the Thanksgivng table at my mom's home in Virginia. I was hell-bent to make this the most goddamn gorgeous table the world had ever seen, so I went all Martha Stewart on its ass. We're talking flowers, cornucopias, FAKE GRAPES, PEOPLE, and most importantly, tea lights. We wined, we cheesed, we wined, we olived and pickled. As we all sat down to dinner, my mother filled the water glasses, and dumped the entire Brita pitcher on my guest. As we all scrambled to get towels, quietly from the other side of the table, I hear, "Nana's on fire." I look over only to see my G-Ma beating out a small tea-light induced flame on her Chico's sweater. Attention then shifts to burning grandma, inducing further chaos, which then ignites the tablecloth. Tablecloth and Nana were succesfully put out, and dinner went on as usual. This year, no flaming elders, a tablecloth that remained in tact, and no one got really drunk. Oh well, there's always Christmas.

Why Maintain the Sexy?

2005-11-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

Because Diddy said so.

Multiple Pies

2005-11-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

That is what I will see tomorrow. I have been diligent about going to the gym, eating well (preeeeetty-much) , in order to prepare for the gorging that shall bequeath my grill tomorrow. I'm spending Thanksgiving (cooler if I call it Thxgiving?) with a friend of mine's family. They are from Georgia and make a mean Southern Feast. My family is celebrating back east with Williamsburg-y dishes (which I love) and toasts made by my Scottish grandmother that go something like this: "I'm thankful for my family and for The Laphroaig; God Bless us until Christmas, when I'll bring in the Haggis". I do miss it.

Oooh baby, ooooh baby, ooooh.

2005-11-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

There doesn't seem to be a more appropriate time to say...OMG, WTF? Lindsay Lohan just performed on the American Music Awards dressed in what appeared to be a clinic gown and oversized, stripper-meets-clown sized shoes. She reminded me of a spoiled drunk girl who hogged the karaoke stage at her own party. Except not as good.

"Omigod, Aaron, you DICK. Get me up and tell the DJ to cue up The Gambler. I ain't finished.."

2005-11-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

The holidays are upon us, kiddies, and I'll be heading back East to see the fam.
We always seem to have a full-blown family fight right before Christmas Eve dinner, which is always a roast tenderloin. My mom stomps out and walks the dog in her moon boots and my grandmother says "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" alot, and the phone always rings, and everyone gets quiet as to appear to have been enjoying a lovely storytelling by the fire when the phone rang. We all make up and eat and my mom and I drink whiskey and diet ginger ale and my grandmother talks about 'bourbon' and how she doesn't like it. But she'll have one anyway. Then we talk about how perfect the tree is that year, and the dog picks a bone to chew, and we open a gift and talk about the ornaments and how funny it was that I got kicked out of Brownies for the birdseed one. Christmas at my house also consists of lots of greenery in the house- the place is like fucking Sherwood Forest. My mom makes a 1970s era Strawberry Jello salad thing that rules. We all wake up, eat breakfast and open gifts. I get my mom electronics that she doesn't understand, she gets me electronics that she doesn't understand and we get my grandmother things made of fleece and licorice. I love Christmas, and I love my weird little family.

2005-11-22T19:14:00.000-08:00

Here's what I have to say about low-carb diets:

2005-11-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

TBS, you bastard. How did you just suck me in and make me watch "Volcano", perhaps the worst movie ever written? And why, why did I watch THE WHOLE THING?

Rate-a-Stripper

2005-11-17T18:21:00.000-08:00

Virginia is for Lovers. Las Vegas is for STRIPPERS!!!

And guess where I saw one today?? At the f-ing grocery store. It was magical. She even had her kid with her. Strippers in Vegas are, in a lot of ways, parallel to the celeb caste system in L.A. Your pony-walking A Listers make some bank and are at times, gorgy gorgeous (in a midwestern glamour shot kind of way). They screw the local politicians and drive hummer-financed Hummers. Yellow ones. Your B-listers (hee hee b-listers. Get it? Blisters. Sigh.) are much more ragged and are approaching their mid 30s. They probably date a bouncer and drive an Eclipse convertible. Now, this gem was perhaps, a D-lister. D, peeps. I wanted to hug her kid and tell him that mommies don't usually wear red pleather boots to Albertsons, and that maybe mommy was just tired. Or on meth. Anyway, I took a picture with my camera phone and it didn't come out. Life is unfair, yet it did begin a new game called "Worst/Best Community Stripper Sighting". Stay tuned.