I'm losing it today.

Today has been the weirdest day. Around 11am, I meet Gilbert Gottfried, who was very small, almost kid sized, and very pleasant. This is him after seeing what my co-worker was wearing today.




Then, the two richest, Paris Hilton hangin' mother-effers in Las Vegas roll in with some huge NBA player, a funny contrast to Gilbertito. All go off to their respective places in the building and I am gifted with the clever ruminations of my co-worker (whom we'll call....Payless.) such as, "Those guys were dicks," and "I wouldn't fuck him just because he's rich. Well, he IS pretty rich. Heeeeee heeeee heeeee haaa haaa eeeiiie!", and "I don't have many girls who are friends, because most of their boyfriends want to fuck me." Trust me, sweet tits. No, they don't. Sometimes, it takes all I have not to jump over my desk and clear mail-tape her face shut. I think I will have to start a daily Payless report. I digress.

Then, I stop by the grocery on the way home, where I pull into the parking spot and crash into a cart that some Nevada brainiac was just tooooo tired to put in the CART RECEPTACLE/ CART WRANGLER THINGEE RIGHT NEXT TO THE SPACE. I go into the store, realize I only have a $20, and have to decide what was going to make the cart cut. The winners? Wine, tampons, US Weekly and Balsamic Vinagrette. I randomly envision myself freaking out in the store and ripping down all the Christmas shit. I wonder if I'm losing it. I head to the check out line, where the woman in front of me is crying (profusely) on her cell phone, and neither I, nor the check-out chick, nor the 15 -year -old bagger dude know where to look, so I pretend to look for my Value Savings card, even though it's on my keychain.

I then get home and my neighbor is walking his cat on a leash.

Dear God, Where do I live? Love, Me.