I am so embarrased...

...but the new season of Laguna Beach is scandalriffic.

Open Letter to the kids who live in the neighborhood next to me,

Dear Kids (and especially the big one with the red hair, we'll call him "The Instigator"),

Being a kid is FUN. I know. You can do all sorts of fun stuff and laugh and play street hockey and be bad and smoke cigarettes and ride bikes and play basketball. Whatever. And you know what? Blowing off fireworks in the middle of your street in September, in a drought, well, that's fun, too. I know! I LOVE fireworks!

But you know what's NOT fun? When you do it 11:30 at night and all the dogs in not only YOUR neighborhood, but also mine, go fucking nuts and bark for the next hour and I worry if my house is going to burn down. Ya hear me, Instigator? If you could please forward this on to your father when he gets home from dealing blackjack and your mother when she gets back from Shuck's Oyster Bar? Thanks, dudes.

-Me

Football Gladiators

You know what could be the best thing aired annually on TV if they just marketed it right? The Pro Bowl.

I mean, yeah, the Superbowl rules and it's awesome and it's become this unofficial holiday and shit. The two best teams have finally come together for this battle royale.

But check it. The PRO Bowl is like, the best players ever. Like, every NFL badass is there, and it turns into like, teams made up of football gladiators. It could be huge, but I wonder why it's not? Plus, it's in HAWAII? I mean, c'mon.

And on the start of football season, I have but this to say: