Sunday, February 26, 2006


I totally want this judge from "Dancing with the Stars" to be my best friend. He could hang out at my house when I got ready in the morning and say things like, "YES!! YES!!! 'Zees outfit is fanTAStico! You are an American peen-up girl!" Is that so wrong?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Yard 'Tard.

Remember how I said I've been hitting the gym, kickin' ass and generally bettering myself? Scratch that.

I spent today with an old friend in the dumpiest part of Vegas (think Atlantic City, sans ocean),playing $3 blackjack tables, drinking yards of margaritas (literally), and rounding the entire day out with a fried, yes FRIED, Twinkie.

Karaoke almost happened, but alas, the wait list was too long. This is probably a good thing. I also saw a woman in her 60s drinking beer through a straw out of a 48 oz. plastic football as her boob got signed in Sharpie by a man wearing a full CSI Las Vegas sweatsuit. Mmmmmmm. Hot.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Why do I love award shows so much?





God bless the Grammys. If I am ever unconcious and wake up to the sight of Sly Stone hovering over me, I will know that I have been kidnapped, probed by a Korg keyboard, and sent to Planet Freak-a-Funk.

Random thoughts on the Grammys:

Kelly Clarkson. Shhh, baby. It's gonna be OK. Just thank the nice people at Fox and GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE. There, better now?

I love the fact that hip-hop has it's own Beck and his name is Will.i.am.

Teri Hatcher's wanna be scandalous see-through dress was funny. Funny because she was wearing bloomers that resembled a P.E. teacher's Bike shorts.

DJ AM emcees the Green Carpet:
AM: "So, is this your first Grammys?"
CELEB: "No, um, actally, I've had 8 monimations and won 5 Grammys in the last 3 years."
AM: "Oh."
CELEB: "Yep."
AM: "So, what do you like better, house or jungle?"
CELEB: "Huh?"
AM: "Seacrest, back to you."

I totally want to hang out with Mary J. Blige.

I still love U2. And Coldplay. So, there. But not so much into Mattel's newest doll, Leotard Madonna.






How awesome would it have been if Herbie Hancock busted into "Rockit" and XTina did the Robot thing where her arm "falls asleep" ?


God, I don't even know if I can handle the Oscars. But I totally can't wait.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Ok. Here's the deal. I've set this goal for myself to run a 5K in April. So, I'm at the gym yesterday (because a 5K might as well be a marathon at this point), and I go nuts. I run 4 miles. OK, not a constant run, but a confident ass-kicking walk with run spurts. Still.

Today, my calves appear to be on some sort of invisible fire and my ass muscles are randomly cramping up, making for a most comfortable day at work. Note to self: settle the fuck down. Love, Me.

I did make it back to the gym today, however, and was most proud of myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must tend to my hyper-extended everythings.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Jammin'


Happy Birthday to Bob!

Sunday, February 05, 2006



[Cue National Anthem] On this glorious day of competitive sports and ruthless snacking, I have but one thing to say... GOOOOOOOOOOOO STEEEEEEEELERS!!!!

Friday, February 03, 2006

NOOOOOO. YESSSSSSS!!


Payless, my at-work nemesis, was fired today. I don't know whether to be thrilled that I don't have to hear her phone-sexing her male roommate anymore, or to be sad that I no longer have the world's best blog fodder. Payless, I salute you. Never call me.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

On a lighter note...

I am a lovedy-love-luv-lover of Project Runway and Wife Swap. I just can't help it.

America! Fuck Yeah!





First of all, I don't even consider myself a Democrat. Not really. My father was big-time military and my mother was a member of the Young Republicans in college. I, however, choose the path of least resistance. The elusive and mysterious Independent. That being said, I begin my microscopic dissection of Dubya's book report, I mean, State of the Union address.

I really do find the political ritual in our county to be fascinating. I picture our forefathers walking in with similar fanfare, with our elected representatives respecting the institution of the presidency, regardless of party. But last night, it just felt...different.

Maybe it's just that. The "state of the union". It's, um, not so good. Relatively, I understand that we, as Americans, really don't have TOO much to bitch about. We have potable water. We can flush the dook. We have medication. But as the cabinet walked in, I thought, what the hell is REALLY going on?

Lots of pans to Laura, sitting next to Middle Eastern powers and in front of a grief-stricken war family. Noticably, the Bush girls were absent. "State of the whatevers are like, sooo boring." (Shotguns beer.)

It is now that I decide I have an inappropriate, non-sensical politcal correspondent crush on Tim Russert.




Gee-Dubs is announced. He walks down the aisle as the year's largest sometimes- semi-annual display of politically public ass-kissing begins.

Pan to a star-struck Judge Forrest Gump Alito, staring in to the air thinking, "Mama said they was magic shoes. They could take me anywhere."

Cut back to suck-fest, where we are fed the tiny little tidbit that Cindy Sheehan, the mother who protested at the gate of Southfork, has been...what?....ARRESTED?
Holy crap, this could get good.


At this point, the President begins to speak. Coretta Scott King died today; unfortuante for the world, great for Dubya. His perfect opener. He is compassionate and aware. Sigh.

We then are treated with a veritable list of countries that will be conquered next. Zimbabwe, Burma, and oh yes, Iran.

"Dear Iran, You are soooo 'next'. Love, G.W."

At this point, I'm waiting for Rumsfeld to stand up and chant, "W.M.D.! W.M.D.!"



The Prez then proceeds to lighten the mood by dissing former Presidents (pan to Hillary for the "No he di-int" look) and casually asking for the line-item veto to pass. The Republicans stand up. The Democrats do not. I'm at a football game watching The Wave. This is awesome. It is at this time that George Bush announces his plan for alternate energy. Look for the Prius '07, rollin' on G-Dubs.

Now, onto education. First, elimate all art programs, bump up math and science funding and prepare the robots. While you are at it, make sure to drown the girl babies.

With this intro, we are introduced to the American Competitive Initiative. Love your fellow American, but goddammit, beat his ass on your standardized tests or you are FUCKED. :) Also, terminally ill citizens? I know we COULD save you, but, um, Jesus says no. Sorry.

All in all, though, I think his speech writers did a good job. The lack of facts was expected, but the conviction was surprising. The bi-partisan support of the military, or should I say the soldiers, was important and the entire experience got me thinking in so many ways, that I am grateful for that. So, Georgie, have a great time on your next vacation (it's been about 2 weeks...you must be exhausted).