Payless III: The Revenge of the Slick.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the creme de la creme...the pinnacle...the BEST PAYLESS SHIT EVER. I prefer to recount this in screenplay format:


[FADE IN: Payless sits at her desk, surfing the web, and entering what appears to be some sort of financial information on a website. Her co-workers are in the midst of what they call "work", an enigma to Payless.]

PAYLESS
Omigod, those motherfuckers!


CO-WORKER ME
What happened?


PAYLESS
The stupid fucking Equifax fuckers still have me listed
at my old job, which was in California, in like, uh, '97.


CO-WORKER NOT ME
Call them and give them your current info and you should be fine.


PAYLESS
Yeah, besides, I don't want this on my report anymore, anyway.
I don't want people to know I worked there.


[SUDDENLY, THE ROOM BECOMES QUIET; THE ONLY AUDIBLE SOUND IS THE PERKING OF EARS.]


CO-WORKER ME
So, um, where did you use to work?

[THE UNDERCURRENT OF POSSIBILITY IS ENDLESS IN THE ROOM...]


PAYLESS
California Hardbodies.


CO-WORKER NOT ME
What is that, some health food place?


PAYLESS
No.

[SHE PAUSES, AS IF TO CONTEMPLATE FOR A MOMENT WHETHER OR NOT TO LAY IT ALL OUT. SHE ROLLS BACK HER SHOULDERS, LIFTS HER HEAD UP HIGH AND SAYS...]

PAYLESS
No, it's a female oil wrestling company. I was a wrestler.


[BEAT]


CO-WORKER ME
No fucking way.


PAYLESS
Oh yeah, I only did it for three years {asdlfkja;sdklfj????]

[CO-WORKER ME STANDS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY BECAUSE SHE CAN NO LONGER BE IN THE ROOM WITHOUT TOTALLY LOSING HER SHIT.]

CO-WORKER ME
That's... crazy.


PAYLESS
I know!!! Isn't it!???!!!


SCENE

"My tits hurt."

This is the first thing that Payless said today at work. She ceases to amaze me, she's so awful. For the rest of the day, I got to hear her leave her "roommate" [read: dude who moved into her house because his girlfriend kicked him out and now she says they are "roommates" but she is so clearly obsessed with the dude] messages on his cell phone, "every 30 minutes for the rest of the day! Heeeeeheeeehaaa ahaahahahahdsfja;sdlfk;alsdkfj;asdlkfj' ( Direct Quote).

File under "slightly annoying":

When people say "pome" instead of "poem".

Social Life takes a dramatic dip.

Mmmmmmm, American Idol.

Recent songs that I am embarrased to say...I like.

"Stickwitchu" (um, yes. I think that's how they spell it.) - Pussycat Dolls

"Because of You" - K. Clarkson (In a related, pathetic story, I have actually planned my week around the fact that American Idol starts on Tuesday. I seriously, SERIOUSLY, need a life.)

Any song on the OC soundtrack. (Nacho- another library score!)

"So Sick" - Ne-Yo (are you seeing the Contemporary R&B theme? It's piped into the office all day at "Las Vegas' number one HIT music station" (said in total DJ voice). Sigh.)

More to add later.

I feel sorry for Europeans for this reason...

Sure, they have magnificant castles, wonderful food, great wine, stylish clothes and soccer. But where else can you watch the most intense game of football led by this man, the greatest coach to watch on any given Sunday? I mean, really. I'm surprised my downstairs neighbors didn't call the domestic violence cops today, the way I was screaming during the Steelers/Colts game. Thanks to my best friend, I have come to love the Steelers as if I were straight outta Steel City. What a game....I'm emotionally spent. Must go dumb down and watch Flavor Flav on VH1.

Eeeet was soooopersonic....

That's the Euro reaction to Drew Lachey's freakin' dance off tonight on "Dancing with the Stars". The dude.....is.......... good. I want to call his wife, though, and let her know that clearly, there is some shock-absorbent-dance-floor-practice-room-LUVVVV goin' down between him and his dance bitch. Watch his ass, girl.

Bittersweet Football.

Sigh. Football is nearing the end. The college bowl games were about the most exciting I've seen, although my team is now reeling in the spin-doctordom that will be necessary after Marcus Vick's dismissal from the team. See ya, Marcus. You really fucking blew it. Have fun at the next family reunion (tee hee). Anyway, playoffs underway, which means two things: Pizza and Miller Lite in a can. Mmmm. Can.

Payless strikes again.

Apparently, there's some tension between Payless and the DHL guy. She may have blown him. She is the WORST EVER ( a bold statement). Today, she told me she didn't "have to " but "wanted to" .....FART. Um, uh? Ew? Yes....ew. Ew-wy, ew-wy, ew.

Roller-Booooo

"From the producers of Laguna Beach...."...comes the worst shit on TV. Rollergirls is horrible, and by horrible, I say it in my Mom's NJ accent (Haaaahribbble). The worst. I wanted to care, too, but I just...don't. Boooooooo.